All the feelings…

Things have certainly been moving along for us pretty fast wether we like it or not… I can not believe that I am over 27 weeks pregnant right now. The third trimester and home stretch!  Do not ask me how many months I am, because I would be hard-pressed to count on the spot. There has been a lot of anxiety, but we are staying positive and putting into place the things we need. Controlling the things we can and trying our best to not worry about the things we can not control, but that is by far easier said than done.

We also apparently have a nesting need that requires major home projects. Caleb thinks that our sudden move to remodel the kitchen was also a distraction which I can agree with; although it is making me crazy now having my kitchen in shambles. Three years ago, we did a whole home renovation with AdaRee still in my belly, which we were still working on less than a month before she was born–it was torture, but everyone was right saying we would laugh about it later. With Eliza we built a privacy fence and outside storage shed. Therefore it is fitting that we redo the kitchen for Jett. Caleb is a “granite artist”–it says so on the sign outside of where he works which is very true. We have the hook up on that, blessing us with an extremely budget friendly kitchen remodel. At least I focus my worries over the mess in my kitchen instead of all the things that could happen. I have said this a million times and I will say it again… “I can keep what happened to Eliza from happening again, but after meeting so many moms that had things happen that were out of anyone’s control, those are the things that scare me now.” These are things that happened and could not have been stopped, even though they were in the hospital; that is not a factor for me at all. I am confident in my birth team, and I know that they are well equipped, so that brings me peace. I did not realize that being pregnant again after losing a child would bring so much anxiety. I was warned by other mothers, but I refused to think it would apply to me. However, it does very much.

I also did not realize how much it would make me miss Eliza even more. That has been the hardest part throughout this pregnancy. As Baby Jett grows inside of me and AdaRee hugs on my belly, I can not help but wonder what my life should be like with my perfect Eliza here with us. Would she be on her sister’s heels copying everything she does? Would AdaRee be annoyed with that? Or, would they be the best friends that I dreamed they were going to be? Eliza should be here with us and it is not fair at all! And then comes the anger because no one listened to me that day as I kept telling them over and over for hours that it was not right and that my contractions were not stopping…instead, I was just treated as if I were being a drama queen. Perfect babies do not die for no reason at all. Babies should not be born with low oxygen and blood levels and need major resuscitation efforts due to labor drugs. Oh, the anger is really hard, especially with how I felt about the way they treated us after everything we were put through. I saw how their treating us deepened our pain and worsened our grief, which leaves us with the bitter feelings we are currently feeling. Looking back, I felt like they took advantage of the state of shock we were in. I still do not think we have even begun to fully process all of what happened in those days, and it will very likely be a lifelong process.

I also had no clue what PTSD really was until now, which is another major reason why we chose midwifery care over the normal medical model. It is to me a comparison between having a gourmet chef instead of say, a McDonald’s drive thru. All the same things are happening throughout this pregnancy with Baby Jett, except I have care providers who make me feel they care about me, what I am going through, and take the time to talk through it all with me. They help me make the decisions instead of making them for me and not informing me. It is crazy how I read online the discussions within my local mommy groups that they are waiting up to 2 hours in the waiting room and then see the local OBs for maybe 2-5 minutes tops. I could NOT handle that after what we have been through period. It makes me thankful for the care that I am presently receiving and that my family has been able to make this “luxury” happen despite the costs involved with it. There is no price I would not pay to make midwifery and doula care happen. The reason that the offices are flooded here in Lee County is largely because Chambers County no longer offers OB services, resulting in more moms driving the distance. This subsequently forces many Lee County moms to travel outside of the county to Montgomery or Georgia for care. This is yet another HUGE reason why we need to pass the Childbirth Freedom Act or CPM bill here in Alabama, allowing moms to have another option in maternity care, most especially the prenatal care alone because they can still choose to deliver in a hospital. Moms in rural areas of Alabama with no access to OB services could use a midwife for prenatal care and also deliver in a hospital if they can make the trip which in turn would save lives and move Alabama’s infant mortality rate down. The list goes on of benefits to this law.

Next Wednesday(February 15, 2017), AdaRee and I will be traveling to Montgomery for Alabama Birth Coalition’s rally for the Childbirth Freedom Act, which will allow CPMs to practice here. While it is obvious why I want this bill passed for me and for AdaRee, this bill is also the best way I can honor my other daughter Eliza and her memory most of all. I would love for any local moms to join me, and there is extra room in our minivan for carpooling. Hopefully, we will talk with Representatives Joe Lovvorn and Isaac Whorton as well as other legislators and lobbyists. We have a hard story to tell, but it needs to be told in hopes that it can bring about changes for all the women in Alabama!

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